Butterflies

I came across a quote that said," Hope is the struggle of the soul, breaking loose from what is perishable and attesting her eternity"

This reminded me of the butterfly struggling in its cocoon and as it is struggling it is building strength to take flight. As I am reflecting on this battle of "cancer", which is such a struggle somedays and really no fun at all, I have learned to release it to God because it isn't my battle at all but the Lord's. As  he is stretching me in many ways I am learning to persevere for sure, but it is my Faith which has grown so inconceivably. Without this struggle would I have gotten to this place with my Lord where I have to trust Him so much?? The strength developing within me is coming from the struggle. When the world says there is no hope, His word says there is hope.


Do we really Believe in our prayers being answered and God doing miracles?

Sometimes God draws us into nature and shows us a symbolic beauty of His creation to tell us something. I usually pay attention to these type of things when they happen to me, especially if it happens  more then once. For me  these last few months there have been a season of butterflies. Everywhere I go, even in places you wouldn't normally see a butterfly, a flutter sails by me as a reminder that my struggle is only temporary. I was sifting thru a box of things my Grandma had owned and a vase with butterflies appeared. I had even been googling on the internet the topic of enzymes, something so important to take with cancer patients and I just happened to stumbled across an enzyme that comes from a silkworms intestine where it allows it to digest the tough leaves and disolve its hard cocoon to take flight. Then there is a beautiful card a friend had sent with an illustration of a butterfly. I had even been listening to a CD by Sheryl Crow and in a beautiful song titled "Always on your side"she sang ,"Butterflies are free to fly." God definitly works in mysterious ways, trying to get our attention, sometimes so subtle we don't even realize he is teaching, molding speaking to us with signs and wonders other then an audible voice. I always ask for billboards because I miss the mark  and it would be so much easier if he would speak to us that way. So now, I look for these moments and maybe this might be my language with my heavenly father but  it sure calms my soul and gives me Hope. In these moments of quiet, He speaks to me loud and that is when I feel His breath of encouragement. I am going to get through this "transition" and  "fly."  I will celebrate "Life" and it will be victorious. I am embracing the power of the gospel because it "Speaks Life to Me."

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly" - Proverb

Time to Celebrate

Britni @ Prom

Children really are your greatest accomplishments.
They can make you laugh, they can make you cry, they can make your heart race but nothing makes you prouder when you see them excel in Life and they give credit to God.I am so proud of all my kids.

Life does go on even in our struggles but my children which really are not children but young adults have been able to carry their own torch and stand firm while their Mom is doing what she needs to do to get well.

Britni medaling at States, Track & Field

I came home to celebrate my son's college graduation and my youngest daughter Britni's H.S. class project presentation, prom,qualifying and medaling at States. Each preparing their own way, making choices for their future. I am Blessed to have Amber, Chase & Britni in my Life. That's what Life is worth fighting for.

Chase Graduating from Point Park University

Great things coming ...

Hey all, well its been a few months with so much going on and when I have distractions it is hard to pen. So sorry...but I am doing well and will be traveling back west for follow-up.  I am BELIEVING in great results. I know the lord is doing His thing.

My favorite saying in the world is:

"Take time for the quiet moments as God whispers for the world is loud"

Isn't that the truth. So many times we are so anxious for His direction and in our busy lives we miss it. At least I have at times. Rest is so imperative when you are Healing. And that is exactly what I have been achieving to do. Taking walks, enjoying His scenic creation, and "being still knowing He is God." " letting Him orchestrate all things for the good." Its tough to do  in the storms of life but that is where I draw my strength. My Faith lies in Him with my Healing. It takes great patience waiting, enduring the struggle but the simplest pleasures of life and learning to enjoy "Today" are great big things. As I grasp ahold of God's hand to lead me, I envision the direction and comfort. He knows what is best for me.

 Soon I will  be able to do hold my Grandchildren's hands and feel the love that flows from my hand to theirs , that gives me great peace and Joy with so much laughter too!

Breakthrough...

MMR

As I come to the end of my 3 weeks at Wellspring Clinic I have endured numerous needles for IV infusions, oxygen, MMR, immune modulation, CT scans and a rigid diet. I had numerous days that I felt horrible and then I would rally the next day. I experienced tears and joy, questions and confirmations. My Grandchildren and daughter visited me and made me smile. Even though my adomen has been swollen like I was 6 months pregnant for months and I have been so uncomfortable it felt like an elephant was stepping on it, I have been able to see breakthrough. My daughter and I laughed when we could and relaxed in the sunshine. Although the IV's were putting extra fluid on me  we would have to adjust the treatment so I could be more comfortable. I have felt love, strength, healing and peace in Arizona and from home, friends afar encouraging me each day. God always giving me something positive to focus on.
Alternative therapy is mind, body and spirit. I have done each proponent and God has led me in every aspect, giving me direction with these channels.
Believing all this time that a comprehensive treatment of Natural therapy was going to kick this cancer, detox my liver and lymphatic system to give my body the strength it needs to fight this ugly disease.

Dr. Sam, clinic staff and friends

I had the wonderful experience of meeting new friends and visiting old. I was treated like I am their only patient. There was so much compassion and concern for my well being; I felt from all. They celebrated my birthday with me too. I have been blessed to experience  the support and prayers from so many and have seen God's hand in orchestrating the provision.

Poolside at the Timeshare

Each day I awoke to the warm desert sun and it's beauty without a cloud in the sky which was my inspiration, motivating me to keep believing God has a plan in this ordeal. Just keep on keeping on, one day at a time and giving me the ability through the fatigue. But yesterday as I woke up very early to feeling "ugh" again and knowing I had to take my daughter and grandchildren to the airport was looking like an impossible feat. I felt a sadness because I had to say good-bye. I was sweating profusely with cold chills then hot flashes. I was loosing massive quantities of fluid; to put it kindly, out of my body not knowing what was happening and feeling so horrible. Amber was contemplating weather to leave me with her " Mother" in this condition. I am so grateful for her support and loving maternal way with me. God knew I needed her here this week. As the morning continued and feeling a bit dehydrated I felt as though the balloon had popped in my abdomen and the massive gush of water that had been stored up, came off of me.  I felt I had  birthed a baby. But "No" baby. I have not had a flat stomach for awhile, so going through this uncomfortable, became clearer to me it was something that needed to happen. I was able to make it to the airport, rallying by noon.

True faith that is what this is! Doing this protocol has been no picnic these few weeks physically taxing on my body but my suffering doesn't compare to what  Christ suffered. So I will keep focusing on the victory , His word and no matter how difficult this trial is; I am believing in God's promise of healing.

What I didn't share with you was on Sunday my family and I went to a special healing service where people come from all over the world and experience God's Healing presence. Something very special happened that day. We had a special invite to this "little chapel" from a lady whom I had met at the clinic just on Friday. DO you Believe in divine appointments? I do!! As we are driving to this beautiful chapel  nestled in the valley of Camelback Mountain we are amazed at the beauty in the surroundings. There was limited seating and we knew we should be there early. SO something happened between that service on Sunday and Wednesday spiritually. I left that Chapel with solace and a peace knowing  I am on the right track with my healing. "Just be patient" I heard in the whisper of the trees. I felt His presence even though I couldn't see him I knew He was there. Even some of the best miracles in the bible took time. God is seeing my grief, my tears, pain and frustrations. I will continue to stand firm on His Word (Psalm: 125) if you trust in the Lord be Firm as Mt. Zion un-moving in any circumstance. God is getting me through......BELIEVE!

Cat Scan

Today, I started out drinking this Vanilla Milk shake of Barium. These are the things that I dont enjoy so much. I followed the directions and was able to consume the first container within the two hour window of the procedure and within minutes it expanded my abdomen. Feeling very bloated I continued with the protocal and started to not feel well. When I had a Cat Scan before the medical staff did not have me do Barium so this was my first experience of this routine. I was looking forward to getting this procedure done since it had been 2 months since I had the last one. Dr. Sam from Wellspring Clinic had the morning planned with all my other scans to compare. We wanted to see if there had been any obvious changes and of course after two weeks of treatment at the clinic I have been feeling so much better and confident that we will see change. So we are sitting and waiting for this test to get done and I am feeling more ill by the minute. A Cold sweat came over me and very nauseated tummy but able to keep it to my throat. I know yuck right. Then we get informed the Tech person was in a car accident and we won't be able to get this done today. Okay...I literally was sick to my stomach for more reasons then one. "So we have to reschedule your appointment for monday," the gal kindly says and apologises."We can give you a gas card if that will help you"...Uh , Heck with a gas card, I was upset and a bit selfish for the moment thinking I can't drink this stuff again. Then I was concerned for the well-being of this young man and wondered if he is ok. I prayed for him under my breath and accepted the fact that I will be back there on Monday. As I said goodbye to my Dr. and drove away within minutes from the clinic,  I flew the car door open in a very nice residential area , near a school and projectiled the vanilla shake of Barium 3 times. I was able to text my daughter as I felt I was going to pass out, Uh gross right. This I was trying to avoid and could know longer. I was able to get to the clinic which was fortunatly close by and continued getting sick, The staff saw immediately something was wrong as I layed on their bathroom floor very ill. My head was pounding. So that was my day...horrible. They were able to get fluids back in to me with an IV and a shot.
When these kind of things happen you think, ok lord what was my lesson today?  Patience, endurance,perseverance....I  cried on my way home from the clinic, crying out to God, why lord? All these experiences do bring greater compassion to others for I know I am not the only one who is experienceing these things. It just isn't fun! My strength today became my weakness amongst it all. I know the sun will shine tomorrow in this desert so I will press on believing still that God has a plan in all of this, I just need to keep praying and believing. I was grateful my daughter and grandchildren were at the hotal to greet me and change my focus of pity, Even in the toss and turn of the battle of cancer I will keep my focus on Him. (Psalm 62:5) My hope comes from Him)
Although I may be suffering through these test of Life as I call them, I am learning blessings of compassion and patience.

Birthdays

I Love Birthdays! When you are a child you look forward to blowing out the candles on the cake, making a wish and presents. As you get older flowers tickle your heart and bring joy. Some of us don't like to be reminded of a year gone by and the reality we are getting older. I look at them differant now. Today I received beautiful flowers, went out with a dear friend for dinner and bought shoes, lol...tradition to myself.

I celebrate today because I have so  much to be thankful for! This day is a celebration of who we are and a reminder each year of what we have accomplished and had to walk through. Birthdays are a reflection of our journey of Life and what it has taken us through. So I reflect on how blessed I have been to have had 6 more years to celebrate life when I shouldn't have. It's a day to celebrate  and thank-God, for this is another year, He has fullfilled His promise. But more importantly I have experienced  fullness in my Life because of this relationship with Christ. I have seen incredible events, sorrows and accomplishments in my family this year. Even in the midst of this threat of cancer I have peace. I am in the palms of his hands. So I rejoice today in God. Believing there is purpose in this trial. I am Alive, (John 11:4) states," this sickness will not end in death." In my Birthday Celebration I recognise He has brought me thus far and will continue to do so. My prayers have been answered and my birthday wish is to Live Life; another year gone by, a reminder of  (Titus 1:2) He is faithful.

The Clinic, the first few days...Let the Battle begin

It is always pure relief when I walk into those clinic doors. Because I know the care and compassion that exist's there. The genuine warm feeling the staff shows is comfort and healing. Dr. Sam's concern and understanding heart is on the forefront everyday, it is such a blessing to be under his care and expertise.

Monday Day 1: After my heart to heart with Dr. Sam I started my day with the usual thorough blood work and urine analysis. I was anxious to get that over because I had to fast and my belly was yelling "feeed me" then 75 cc of IV therapy of vitamin C, the microwave treatment which is lethal to cancer tissues but not injurious to other cells like radiation would be,  and an occasional shot in the buttock is quite a jolt to the system today. My body is getting an amazing amount of high quality supplements and it will boost my immune system but usually those first couple days, there can be a cleansing reaction and it whipps you. All those vital nutrients actually causes fatigue. I wasn't even quite sure how I drove back to my homestead. Thank God he is my pilot and is carrying me. I was able to relax for the evening.

Day 2: I woke up a bit more bloated in the abdomen today, the accumilation of fluid was very uncomfortable, probably from the IV's so I was anxious to get back to the clinic to  see my bloodwork results. I always get anxious to see these results because they tell the story. Dr. Sam was concerned about the fluid and the bloodwork so we  changed things up today and did a Poly-MVA IV with not so much fluid intake, no C's today, but I did  the microwave therapy which I should explain is this piece of equipment which heats up the area of concern above normal body temperature. I started oxygen today since cancer doesn't like that either. Dr. Sam thought a diretic to get some of the fluid off too. It's all about balance. The numbers from my blood work were not what I was expecting. I think we always have in the back of our mind that it isn't going to be that bad but numbers don't lie. The crazy thing was although my CA 125 marker was high, most everything else looked normal. Normal range should be <36, mine was 323 H. The CA 27.29 normal range should be <38 and mine was 794 H....Ugh, I wanted to cry.When I started this protocol 6 years ago I had more out of range results so was I to be encouraged by that??  Dr. Sam put on his game face with me and said we will fight this and get through it. He saw my frustration and ck'd on me periodically through out the day.

Day 3: Felt much better today upon arrival of the clinic...back to the IV of C's and usual protocol.
            After the clinic I wasn't as fatigued today so I went to Wed. evening church to receive my strength in God (Ex.15:2)...The Lord is my strength , he is my power, my lifter to face this trial

Meditation and VisualizationTherapy

Arizona countdown......Only days before I take off into the warmth of the desert....I am looking forward to the beautiful sunsets, warm sunny days, a daily routine of IV therapys,walks in the desert but more importantly finding Peace with God. It seems I hear those small still voices the most when I am in the comfort of my surroundings. No distractions but just seeking God and visulizing His healing power even with the IV in my arm dripping a pure vitamin C drip. Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our day to day it becomes hard to hear Him with all of our busy-ness. As we just celebrated Easter I  made the commitment to celebrate the cross and the sacrifice every day. The message my pastor gave at church inspired me to not let this be a one day a year event. My relationship with Christ is the most important thing to me. He suffered a hideous death not even comprehendable to me. Because Jesus suffered for you and me; all we need to do is Believe. Sounds so simple but we make it so complicated. He did it for our sin and our sickness of disease. So I am placing all my Hope in Him for my healing. I am counting on the Word of God and the scriptures. I am Receiving His divine assurance of what happened at the cross and the resurrection is for me today. I LITERALLY SAY IT, I Repeat over and over, "By His stripes I am Healed".
 " (Romans 4:23 -25) states those who trust in what Christ has done will receive favor and blessings from God" But even as a Believer I still struggle in my own weakness. My pain of this disease doesn't compare with what He experienced and I am reminded of that especially at Easter. It seems I get the strongest attack from the enemy when I am grumbling and murmering of the unpleasantness of it all. As I look forward to the atmosphere of the desert it reminds me of  (Jesus) and the bareness of the land excemplifies of His lonliness He must of experienced. As I look forward to the atmosphere and warmth of Arizona realizing the beauty of the desert is differant..In the midst of the bareness of the land, in the thorns of a cactus; a beautiful flower will appear. And as I draw nearer to Him, I feel Him, around me, comforting me, giving me strenth each day to persevere. Believing in the midst of this He has a plan for me as I walk through each day trusting in this aggreement with Him there is LIFE even in the desert.That no matter what it looks like now there is Hope. He will meet me there in the desert of Arizona. I will talk out loud, I will dance for joy because Jesus is alive . I WILL FOCUS ON HIS PRESENCE,  NOT ON THE DISCOMFORTS OF THE DISEASE like a cactus prickling, but THINKING OF THE CROSS, THE RESURRECTION AND HIS DIRECTION! There a beautiful flower will appear.

A lesson from my Grandson

God always knows what we need and when we need it. He knew a message from my Grandson would pick me up. When I went to the mailbox there was an envelope with this special message inside.What I love most about this it came from his little heart. Dylan, my Grandson of only age 5 decided he would like to paint this for me. He must of heard Mommy talking with me about not feeling well. So at school he put on his Picasso face and the little artist shared from his heart and asked the teacher to write the words at the bottom, signed Dylan.  You can only imagine his mothers reaction who mailed it to me immediately. Thank-you Dylan for making Grammie laugh today. I took his picture and hung it in plain sight so I can see it everyday. I was visualizing him getting his fingers full of paint, his shirt sleeves rolled up, with a big grin on his face and really believing he had a message he wanted to share in this painting for his Grammie. This  painting is hanging on my wall in my office because it makes me laugh and cry just knowing a little boy was thinking about me that day at school without any coaching to write these special words for me. The innocence of something so simple brought me so much joy.

It reminded me of a story of Jesus. He loved little children so much. Their fun loving spirits are inquisitive,curious and wanting to always learn and be blessed by Him. They yearned for His attention seeking guidance ,approval and more importantly Love. Even as adults, the bible teaches us that we are to come to God as a little child.  ("Mathew 10:14") Shouldn't we all react with the same innocence with love? Wouldn't it be great to be able to share our deepest thoughts without fear when someone is placed in our hearts and to say," I care".
 Out of the mouths of babes,in the same simplistic way this little man taught me a lesson today: simply express:

"I Love you "

Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Everyday I start out my day getting my youngest daughter off to school just in time to come home for a solid half hour of getting into the presence of God before work. Sometimes if I don't have the energy I turn on my favorite christian channel for a word of wisdom. If I don't do this; it is like clockwork when the enemy knows when to attack me and get me weak in the knees. Because I was trying to wrap up all the receipts and stuff for our accountant so we can get our taxes prepared before I went to work I didn't get that basking time with God as I call it.( Soaking in His presence) .And that would be today....The roller coaster of emotions came, from ready to tackle the world to being on edge and ready to snap.Having the last couple of days of all the emotions; weepy, angry at the world and irratated that I have to go through this all again.Yes I am am human, dam-it! I admit it!

My mind shifted to things like what if this is it really and am I prepared for that word of death?
What do I need to do to prepare my family? Can I talk openly about my final wishes for each one of them?
It's not something we want to talk about but I need too. What if there is a family member that is not open to this?
 It really is the battle of the mind and getting a break from it seems relentless. To be honest facing this disease is awlful and knowing that the only way out of it is God's Divine intervention. So you try to face the day in boldness.God forbid if you are having any physical discomfort because that intensifys the emotions. I am not in pain for the most part but at times some discomfort. But every odd twinge or maybe even a gas bubble in my stomach ,my mind automatically goes to the "C" word and feeling like it is invading my body. So then I jump to some sort of meditation to distract me. I have a Bible sitting on my desk for protection  at work and home and if there is one of these moments of struggle I reach for it for comfort. Doesn't always relieve my sadness but it helps to distract my mind looking for hope in the Word.

Even Jesus struggled in the garden of Gethseman and wasn't so eager to face his death. He cried out "let this cup pass from me" So in my weakness today, I cried out alot. I struggled with "why" Lord.

 Do I need to talk to my children about certain things that are not so comfortable?  He answered me with a "yes." Thank-fully I have these great kids which I love so very much, The flood gates open when I even think about these kids,each one so differant in their strengths and talents.I am so so proud of them. I can't even imagine having to say goodbye to them til eternity because it is so difficult when I leave them from a visit because of where each of us is that keeps us apart, but naturally I reached out to my oldest daughter who has been a pillar of strength for me this week. There is nothing that is more soothing to your concerns when somebody is willing to just listen. Just being able to open up to her and share what I was feeling gave me some relief. The sensitive topics of my final wishes became  a reality to me today. I wanted and needed to be able to share that with somebody, so glad I was able to with her and so proud of her to handle "me" so well. It gave me some peace. She was my angel today! I just wished I could hug each one of them today. 

Absolute Mercy

I heard this quote from Beth Moore and it goes like this:

                  God Places us in positions beyond our capabilities so that we will be at His absolute
                  mercy, realizing that only He can succeed!

 I have been reflecting on my last 6 years and how God has graced me with Life.I am so grateful that I have been able to do so much and truly Live Life with quality. I remember trying to bargain with Him because I wanted to live and I had so much more I wanted to do and then I was writing down my accomplishments that I thought He would be proud of. In my obedience to Him I said send me and I will shout to the mountain tops what He has done. But the greatest gift he gave me was  my faith to simply Believe. When the prognosis is slim, where do we turn? For me I pressed into Him. I had no-where else to turn.

Today, I have to be honest it hasn't been that great of a week and I really didn't want to make this blog a debbie downer by any means. I felt called to start this with great hopes it would help somebody, not thinking I would have to re-live a moment in time literally. Obviously, God has something else in mind as I write this so humbly. This week my Doctor told me my cancer is back. Full blown stage 4 terminal cancer in my abdomen with 1 year prognosis. That was like a whip lash and not really what I was hoping for this year.

So this time around I am going to share my thoughts, feelings and progress very openly.
When I went through this before I was more withdrawn and kept to my self alot and resisted sharing my prognosis. Because of my book being out now and all that God had shown me in that journey, the lessons along the way He taught me, the strength I received during this time, I thought it would be much easier to share each step in hopes to prevent any in- accurate information. I will be sharing all my natural alternative protocols, my good days and bad. If anyone has any  questions please feel free to post, then nobody has to wonder, they can go right  to the blog.

Do I think I will beat it again..ABSOLUTELY.  I will be traveling soon back to Arizona to my Naturopathic Medical Doctor. I can't get there soon enough!! So until I get there I am back to my rigid diet and when I say rigid I mean it. Nothing goes into my system now that is even questionable if it isn't good for me. Last time I brewed special tea formulas and drank shark cartilage smoothies, etc. UGH...I will be the first to admit how extremely hard and challenging this is.

So please pray and believe for me and my family during this time. This is the most important thing I request now. When your health is jeopardized you search for the answers with God's help to restore it. I know He will guide me through this again. I have to say I am not a fan and I Hate cancer but it will not define me. I am claiming victory today and I walk with Speaking Life to Me today for that is the first step of Healing.

Tears

Tears fall and it hits us all at differant times because of a pain we are experiencing. It might be as we are remembering the loss of a loved one as I am doing this week. I am reflecting on the memories of a little girl, always so bubbly, and full of laughter. There is a great emptiness I feel because we lost someone so precious to a disease that I have struggled with and then God said "no more."

 When we love, there will be tears. I believe God made those tear ducts for a reason to help us grieve and get all that emotion out. I remember periods of time in my battle when I would cry alot because I was fearful of what was to come and the thought of leaving behind my family. But that becomes so emotionally exhausting. I had to find a strength inside of myself, pull myself together and believe in God's promise.

The promise of Heaven. When I turned my eyes toward the possibility of this glorious spaw retreat with no pain or sorrow , just thinking about a reunion with all my loved ones and them meeting me at the gate, smiling; eventually my tears will stop and the sun will beam again but for today let me cry....

Luke 23:43 "I tell the truth, you will be with me in paradise

We love you Kellie, see you on the other side in "paradise".

In Memory of my niece Kellie Dykstra

Today my beautiful niece lost her battle to Melanoma Cancer. She fought so courageously. As my heart weeps for those she leaves behind it makes me angry at this ugly disease for inflicting her; She has two small children and a husband. My thoughts and prayers come to them today. May you know Kellie was loved by many and has eternal peace.  As she had a beautiful heart for many, I will always remember her smile, she now is in the comforting arms of  our Lord, Free!
                                        
                                                           Safely Home

                                         I am home in Heaven, dear ones:
                                            Oh, so happy and so bright!
                                        There is perfect joy and beauty
                                         In this everlasting light.

                                         All the pain and grief is over,
                                          Every restless tossing passed;
                                         I am now at peace forever,
                                         Safely home in Heaven at last.

                                       Did you wonder I so calmly
                                        Trod the valley of the shade?
                                       Oh! but Jesus' Love illuminated
                                       Every dark and fearful glade.

                                        And He came Himself to meet me
                                        In that way so hard to tread;
                                        And with Jesus arm to lean on
                                       Could I have one doupt or dread?

                                      Then you must not grieve so sorely,
                                       For I love you dearly still:
                                      Try to look beyond earths shadows,
                                       Pray to trust our Father's will.

                                      There is work still waiting for you.
                                       So you must not idly stand;
                                       Do it now, while life remaineth-
                                       You shall rest in Jesus' land.

                                      When that work is all completed,
                                      He will gently call you home;
                                      Oh the rapture of that meeting,
                                       Oh, the joy to see you come!
Priest of the Sacred Heart

                                                      Kellie, Lynzi and Kellen

The Beginning

Did you ever think about dying or possibly what it feels like knowing you are going to die? Sure everybody will die someday but I think it is the 'knowing' that becomes your difficulty, because really for me you don't want to know when this is going to happen. When diagnosed with a terminal Illness that is exactly what you are faced with and every waking moment, it consumes your thought process. Will it hurt, will I be in pain, will I look gross to my family? Will they be afraid to touch me? I need a hug today! Please God don't leave me alone with all these thoughts. Well that was my experience anyway and I want to share with you my perspective on it. Maybe if I give you some insight on what I went through it will help you understand how lonely it can be facing the shadow of death. How you can walk alongside a person you love who is wrestling with this difficulty. Maybe you know someone who is in the nursing home who is just waiting for somebody to walk through the door and pay them a visit. I don't believe we are to do this alone. Sure, I have a huge big faith in God but my carnal self wrestled in my own pity at times. I felt so alone.
It seemed everyone around me was going on with their lives, living, laughing, working without even a clue that you are on a different journey, but I was at a stand still being torchered slowly by my own mind. Days would go by so quickly and you just wanted them to slow down so you could enjoy this precious time that we take for granted. As people in your life are going through their typical day you just want it to stop or just somebody to notice you are suffering alone. Sometimes I felt like an Alien or at least was treated in a  way that nobody really knew what to say or how to act around me so they just stayed away. Or, they would say something so dis-heartening without a clue how those words that came out of their mouth just infected you with negativeness. I felt like a broken toy which had lost it's appeal from Christmas that was no longer fun to play with anymore because it just wasn't what it used to be.
 A hug, a small gesture, the phone to ring saying" I am thinking about you today"," hey lets do lunch" ,"would you like to go for a walk?"and "lets get you out of the house" would speak volumes of life to me.  I was still the same person and still wanted to do some of the same things I enjoyed but for whatever reason you are treated like you can't enjoy this life on earth or whatever is left of it. I really grasped for things to look forward too and just wanted my normal back. So how do we go about our old normal with this new normal of possibly death? How do you gain some hope? How do you find laughter? Yes, Laughter is what I missed most.
Even a little faith as small as a tiny mustard seed; scriptures in the bible tells us, is all we need. So how do we get through this with perseverance? And if you are careful, without anxiety and fear........

I pray in the days to come as I share my story, my fears,my faith and the courage to say honestly what helped me, will help you also.

       "Today, hold my hand and feel my soul, Hear me laugh, for tomorrow I may not be here."
                                                        LouAnn Martucci