The Beginning

Did you ever think about dying or possibly what it feels like knowing you are going to die? Sure everybody will die someday but I think it is the 'knowing' that becomes your difficulty, because really for me you don't want to know when this is going to happen. When diagnosed with a terminal Illness that is exactly what you are faced with and every waking moment, it consumes your thought process. Will it hurt, will I be in pain, will I look gross to my family? Will they be afraid to touch me? I need a hug today! Please God don't leave me alone with all these thoughts. Well that was my experience anyway and I want to share with you my perspective on it. Maybe if I give you some insight on what I went through it will help you understand how lonely it can be facing the shadow of death. How you can walk alongside a person you love who is wrestling with this difficulty. Maybe you know someone who is in the nursing home who is just waiting for somebody to walk through the door and pay them a visit. I don't believe we are to do this alone. Sure, I have a huge big faith in God but my carnal self wrestled in my own pity at times. I felt so alone.
It seemed everyone around me was going on with their lives, living, laughing, working without even a clue that you are on a different journey, but I was at a stand still being torchered slowly by my own mind. Days would go by so quickly and you just wanted them to slow down so you could enjoy this precious time that we take for granted. As people in your life are going through their typical day you just want it to stop or just somebody to notice you are suffering alone. Sometimes I felt like an Alien or at least was treated in a  way that nobody really knew what to say or how to act around me so they just stayed away. Or, they would say something so dis-heartening without a clue how those words that came out of their mouth just infected you with negativeness. I felt like a broken toy which had lost it's appeal from Christmas that was no longer fun to play with anymore because it just wasn't what it used to be.
 A hug, a small gesture, the phone to ring saying" I am thinking about you today"," hey lets do lunch" ,"would you like to go for a walk?"and "lets get you out of the house" would speak volumes of life to me.  I was still the same person and still wanted to do some of the same things I enjoyed but for whatever reason you are treated like you can't enjoy this life on earth or whatever is left of it. I really grasped for things to look forward too and just wanted my normal back. So how do we go about our old normal with this new normal of possibly death? How do you gain some hope? How do you find laughter? Yes, Laughter is what I missed most.
Even a little faith as small as a tiny mustard seed; scriptures in the bible tells us, is all we need. So how do we get through this with perseverance? And if you are careful, without anxiety and fear........

I pray in the days to come as I share my story, my fears,my faith and the courage to say honestly what helped me, will help you also.

       "Today, hold my hand and feel my soul, Hear me laugh, for tomorrow I may not be here."
                                                        LouAnn Martucci