Everyday I start out my day getting my youngest daughter off to school just in time to come home for a solid half hour of getting into the presence of God before work. Sometimes if I don't have the energy I turn on my favorite christian channel for a word of wisdom. If I don't do this; it is like clockwork when the enemy knows when to attack me and get me weak in the knees. Because I was trying to wrap up all the receipts and stuff for our accountant so we can get our taxes prepared before I went to work I didn't get that basking time with God as I call it.( Soaking in His presence) .And that would be today....The roller coaster of emotions came, from ready to tackle the world to being on edge and ready to snap.Having the last couple of days of all the emotions; weepy, angry at the world and irratated that I have to go through this all again.Yes I am am human, dam-it! I admit it!
My mind shifted to things like what if this is it really and am I prepared for that word of death?
What do I need to do to prepare my family? Can I talk openly about my final wishes for each one of them?
It's not something we want to talk about but I need too. What if there is a family member that is not open to this?
It really is the battle of the mind and getting a break from it seems relentless. To be honest facing this disease is awlful and knowing that the only way out of it is God's Divine intervention. So you try to face the day in boldness.God forbid if you are having any physical discomfort because that intensifys the emotions. I am not in pain for the most part but at times some discomfort. But every odd twinge or maybe even a gas bubble in my stomach ,my mind automatically goes to the "C" word and feeling like it is invading my body. So then I jump to some sort of meditation to distract me. I have a Bible sitting on my desk for protection at work and home and if there is one of these moments of struggle I reach for it for comfort. Doesn't always relieve my sadness but it helps to distract my mind looking for hope in the Word.
Even Jesus struggled in the garden of Gethseman and wasn't so eager to face his death. He cried out "let this cup pass from me" So in my weakness today, I cried out alot. I struggled with "why" Lord.
Do I need to talk to my children about certain things that are not so comfortable? He answered me with a "yes." Thank-fully I have these great kids which I love so very much, The flood gates open when I even think about these kids,each one so differant in their strengths and talents.I am so so proud of them. I can't even imagine having to say goodbye to them til eternity because it is so difficult when I leave them from a visit because of where each of us is that keeps us apart, but naturally I reached out to my oldest daughter who has been a pillar of strength for me this week. There is nothing that is more soothing to your concerns when somebody is willing to just listen. Just being able to open up to her and share what I was feeling gave me some relief. The sensitive topics of my final wishes became a reality to me today. I wanted and needed to be able to share that with somebody, so glad I was able to with her and so proud of her to handle "me" so well. It gave me some peace. She was my angel today! I just wished I could hug each one of them today.
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