A lesson from my Grandson

God always knows what we need and when we need it. He knew a message from my Grandson would pick me up. When I went to the mailbox there was an envelope with this special message inside.What I love most about this it came from his little heart. Dylan, my Grandson of only age 5 decided he would like to paint this for me. He must of heard Mommy talking with me about not feeling well. So at school he put on his Picasso face and the little artist shared from his heart and asked the teacher to write the words at the bottom, signed Dylan.  You can only imagine his mothers reaction who mailed it to me immediately. Thank-you Dylan for making Grammie laugh today. I took his picture and hung it in plain sight so I can see it everyday. I was visualizing him getting his fingers full of paint, his shirt sleeves rolled up, with a big grin on his face and really believing he had a message he wanted to share in this painting for his Grammie. This  painting is hanging on my wall in my office because it makes me laugh and cry just knowing a little boy was thinking about me that day at school without any coaching to write these special words for me. The innocence of something so simple brought me so much joy.

It reminded me of a story of Jesus. He loved little children so much. Their fun loving spirits are inquisitive,curious and wanting to always learn and be blessed by Him. They yearned for His attention seeking guidance ,approval and more importantly Love. Even as adults, the bible teaches us that we are to come to God as a little child.  ("Mathew 10:14") Shouldn't we all react with the same innocence with love? Wouldn't it be great to be able to share our deepest thoughts without fear when someone is placed in our hearts and to say," I care".
 Out of the mouths of babes,in the same simplistic way this little man taught me a lesson today: simply express:

"I Love you "

Emotional Rollercoaster Ride

Everyday I start out my day getting my youngest daughter off to school just in time to come home for a solid half hour of getting into the presence of God before work. Sometimes if I don't have the energy I turn on my favorite christian channel for a word of wisdom. If I don't do this; it is like clockwork when the enemy knows when to attack me and get me weak in the knees. Because I was trying to wrap up all the receipts and stuff for our accountant so we can get our taxes prepared before I went to work I didn't get that basking time with God as I call it.( Soaking in His presence) .And that would be today....The roller coaster of emotions came, from ready to tackle the world to being on edge and ready to snap.Having the last couple of days of all the emotions; weepy, angry at the world and irratated that I have to go through this all again.Yes I am am human, dam-it! I admit it!

My mind shifted to things like what if this is it really and am I prepared for that word of death?
What do I need to do to prepare my family? Can I talk openly about my final wishes for each one of them?
It's not something we want to talk about but I need too. What if there is a family member that is not open to this?
 It really is the battle of the mind and getting a break from it seems relentless. To be honest facing this disease is awlful and knowing that the only way out of it is God's Divine intervention. So you try to face the day in boldness.God forbid if you are having any physical discomfort because that intensifys the emotions. I am not in pain for the most part but at times some discomfort. But every odd twinge or maybe even a gas bubble in my stomach ,my mind automatically goes to the "C" word and feeling like it is invading my body. So then I jump to some sort of meditation to distract me. I have a Bible sitting on my desk for protection  at work and home and if there is one of these moments of struggle I reach for it for comfort. Doesn't always relieve my sadness but it helps to distract my mind looking for hope in the Word.

Even Jesus struggled in the garden of Gethseman and wasn't so eager to face his death. He cried out "let this cup pass from me" So in my weakness today, I cried out alot. I struggled with "why" Lord.

 Do I need to talk to my children about certain things that are not so comfortable?  He answered me with a "yes." Thank-fully I have these great kids which I love so very much, The flood gates open when I even think about these kids,each one so differant in their strengths and talents.I am so so proud of them. I can't even imagine having to say goodbye to them til eternity because it is so difficult when I leave them from a visit because of where each of us is that keeps us apart, but naturally I reached out to my oldest daughter who has been a pillar of strength for me this week. There is nothing that is more soothing to your concerns when somebody is willing to just listen. Just being able to open up to her and share what I was feeling gave me some relief. The sensitive topics of my final wishes became  a reality to me today. I wanted and needed to be able to share that with somebody, so glad I was able to with her and so proud of her to handle "me" so well. It gave me some peace. She was my angel today! I just wished I could hug each one of them today. 

Absolute Mercy

I heard this quote from Beth Moore and it goes like this:

                  God Places us in positions beyond our capabilities so that we will be at His absolute
                  mercy, realizing that only He can succeed!

 I have been reflecting on my last 6 years and how God has graced me with Life.I am so grateful that I have been able to do so much and truly Live Life with quality. I remember trying to bargain with Him because I wanted to live and I had so much more I wanted to do and then I was writing down my accomplishments that I thought He would be proud of. In my obedience to Him I said send me and I will shout to the mountain tops what He has done. But the greatest gift he gave me was  my faith to simply Believe. When the prognosis is slim, where do we turn? For me I pressed into Him. I had no-where else to turn.

Today, I have to be honest it hasn't been that great of a week and I really didn't want to make this blog a debbie downer by any means. I felt called to start this with great hopes it would help somebody, not thinking I would have to re-live a moment in time literally. Obviously, God has something else in mind as I write this so humbly. This week my Doctor told me my cancer is back. Full blown stage 4 terminal cancer in my abdomen with 1 year prognosis. That was like a whip lash and not really what I was hoping for this year.

So this time around I am going to share my thoughts, feelings and progress very openly.
When I went through this before I was more withdrawn and kept to my self alot and resisted sharing my prognosis. Because of my book being out now and all that God had shown me in that journey, the lessons along the way He taught me, the strength I received during this time, I thought it would be much easier to share each step in hopes to prevent any in- accurate information. I will be sharing all my natural alternative protocols, my good days and bad. If anyone has any  questions please feel free to post, then nobody has to wonder, they can go right  to the blog.

Do I think I will beat it again..ABSOLUTELY.  I will be traveling soon back to Arizona to my Naturopathic Medical Doctor. I can't get there soon enough!! So until I get there I am back to my rigid diet and when I say rigid I mean it. Nothing goes into my system now that is even questionable if it isn't good for me. Last time I brewed special tea formulas and drank shark cartilage smoothies, etc. UGH...I will be the first to admit how extremely hard and challenging this is.

So please pray and believe for me and my family during this time. This is the most important thing I request now. When your health is jeopardized you search for the answers with God's help to restore it. I know He will guide me through this again. I have to say I am not a fan and I Hate cancer but it will not define me. I am claiming victory today and I walk with Speaking Life to Me today for that is the first step of Healing.

Tears

Tears fall and it hits us all at differant times because of a pain we are experiencing. It might be as we are remembering the loss of a loved one as I am doing this week. I am reflecting on the memories of a little girl, always so bubbly, and full of laughter. There is a great emptiness I feel because we lost someone so precious to a disease that I have struggled with and then God said "no more."

 When we love, there will be tears. I believe God made those tear ducts for a reason to help us grieve and get all that emotion out. I remember periods of time in my battle when I would cry alot because I was fearful of what was to come and the thought of leaving behind my family. But that becomes so emotionally exhausting. I had to find a strength inside of myself, pull myself together and believe in God's promise.

The promise of Heaven. When I turned my eyes toward the possibility of this glorious spaw retreat with no pain or sorrow , just thinking about a reunion with all my loved ones and them meeting me at the gate, smiling; eventually my tears will stop and the sun will beam again but for today let me cry....

Luke 23:43 "I tell the truth, you will be with me in paradise

We love you Kellie, see you on the other side in "paradise".

In Memory of my niece Kellie Dykstra

Today my beautiful niece lost her battle to Melanoma Cancer. She fought so courageously. As my heart weeps for those she leaves behind it makes me angry at this ugly disease for inflicting her; She has two small children and a husband. My thoughts and prayers come to them today. May you know Kellie was loved by many and has eternal peace.  As she had a beautiful heart for many, I will always remember her smile, she now is in the comforting arms of  our Lord, Free!
                                        
                                                           Safely Home

                                         I am home in Heaven, dear ones:
                                            Oh, so happy and so bright!
                                        There is perfect joy and beauty
                                         In this everlasting light.

                                         All the pain and grief is over,
                                          Every restless tossing passed;
                                         I am now at peace forever,
                                         Safely home in Heaven at last.

                                       Did you wonder I so calmly
                                        Trod the valley of the shade?
                                       Oh! but Jesus' Love illuminated
                                       Every dark and fearful glade.

                                        And He came Himself to meet me
                                        In that way so hard to tread;
                                        And with Jesus arm to lean on
                                       Could I have one doupt or dread?

                                      Then you must not grieve so sorely,
                                       For I love you dearly still:
                                      Try to look beyond earths shadows,
                                       Pray to trust our Father's will.

                                      There is work still waiting for you.
                                       So you must not idly stand;
                                       Do it now, while life remaineth-
                                       You shall rest in Jesus' land.

                                      When that work is all completed,
                                      He will gently call you home;
                                      Oh the rapture of that meeting,
                                       Oh, the joy to see you come!
Priest of the Sacred Heart

                                                      Kellie, Lynzi and Kellen

The Beginning

Did you ever think about dying or possibly what it feels like knowing you are going to die? Sure everybody will die someday but I think it is the 'knowing' that becomes your difficulty, because really for me you don't want to know when this is going to happen. When diagnosed with a terminal Illness that is exactly what you are faced with and every waking moment, it consumes your thought process. Will it hurt, will I be in pain, will I look gross to my family? Will they be afraid to touch me? I need a hug today! Please God don't leave me alone with all these thoughts. Well that was my experience anyway and I want to share with you my perspective on it. Maybe if I give you some insight on what I went through it will help you understand how lonely it can be facing the shadow of death. How you can walk alongside a person you love who is wrestling with this difficulty. Maybe you know someone who is in the nursing home who is just waiting for somebody to walk through the door and pay them a visit. I don't believe we are to do this alone. Sure, I have a huge big faith in God but my carnal self wrestled in my own pity at times. I felt so alone.
It seemed everyone around me was going on with their lives, living, laughing, working without even a clue that you are on a different journey, but I was at a stand still being torchered slowly by my own mind. Days would go by so quickly and you just wanted them to slow down so you could enjoy this precious time that we take for granted. As people in your life are going through their typical day you just want it to stop or just somebody to notice you are suffering alone. Sometimes I felt like an Alien or at least was treated in a  way that nobody really knew what to say or how to act around me so they just stayed away. Or, they would say something so dis-heartening without a clue how those words that came out of their mouth just infected you with negativeness. I felt like a broken toy which had lost it's appeal from Christmas that was no longer fun to play with anymore because it just wasn't what it used to be.
 A hug, a small gesture, the phone to ring saying" I am thinking about you today"," hey lets do lunch" ,"would you like to go for a walk?"and "lets get you out of the house" would speak volumes of life to me.  I was still the same person and still wanted to do some of the same things I enjoyed but for whatever reason you are treated like you can't enjoy this life on earth or whatever is left of it. I really grasped for things to look forward too and just wanted my normal back. So how do we go about our old normal with this new normal of possibly death? How do you gain some hope? How do you find laughter? Yes, Laughter is what I missed most.
Even a little faith as small as a tiny mustard seed; scriptures in the bible tells us, is all we need. So how do we get through this with perseverance? And if you are careful, without anxiety and fear........

I pray in the days to come as I share my story, my fears,my faith and the courage to say honestly what helped me, will help you also.

       "Today, hold my hand and feel my soul, Hear me laugh, for tomorrow I may not be here."
                                                        LouAnn Martucci